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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23093689">Gefleckt</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/JinjoJess/pseuds/JinjoJess'>JinjoJess</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, Heavy Angst, OT3, Suicide, Tragedy, Wife Squad, Wife Squad child</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 12:29:16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,117</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23093689</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/JinjoJess/pseuds/JinjoJess</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The only important part was that Dorothea looked out at the lake that evening and her heart spat back a single, crystallized conclusion: <i>I don't want to live anymore.</i></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dorothea Arnault &amp; Hubert von Vestra, Dorothea Arnault/Edelgard von Hresvelg, Dorothea Arnault/Edelgard von Hresvelg/My Unit | Byleth, Dorothea Arnault/My Unit | Byleth, Edelgard von Hresvelg/My Unit | Byleth</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>41</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Gefleckt</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I'm <a href="https://twitter.com/JinjoJess/status/1237509519661395968?s=19">going through some stuff.</a></p><p>Satomi = f!Byleth<br/>I'll try to post more about Heidelinde soonish so that I won't have to make an author's note.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Dorothea wasn't sure what exactly about the scene that evening triggered that tiny, self-destructive gear in her head to begin turning. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Was it the way the setting sun reflected off the lake water to make it look like blood? Was it the dark edge of the forest on the opposite shore, hemming her in like an impenetrable iron fence? Was it Satomi grunting behind her as she erected their tent on her own? Was it the soft lapping of the waves on the lakeshore, whispering for her to come join them? Was it the yawning sky above, pink and orange and purple, its hungry emptiness threatening to crash down on her at any moment? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It didn't matter, not really. The only important part was that Dorothea looked out at the lake that evening and her heart spat back a single, crystallized conclusion: </span>
  <em>
    <span>I don't want to live anymore.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>***</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She didn't walk into the lake that night. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dorothea considered it, once Satomi had finished, and stopped trying in vain to get Dorothea to finish, and had fallen asleep wrapped around her like a muscular shawl. It would have been easy enough to slip out of her wife's warm arms and into the cold embrace of the lake. Satomi's snoring would mask the splashing, even. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yet she didn't. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Perhaps it was the ease of it that soured her on the idea. It wouldn't be fair to act this soon, without seeing Edelgard and Heidelinde again. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Sleep on it,</span>
  </em>
  <span> Edelgard used to tell her, back when the pull of oblivion had been as regular and predictable as the tides. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Give it a day. See if your resolve lasts that long.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>It never had held fast before, but this time it was different. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Back then, when she'd said "I want to die," what she'd usually meant was that she wanted her wives to comfort her. What she should have said instead was "I feel unloved," or "I'm in pain," or "help me." Even in the moment, Dorothea had recognized that her words and the emotions radiating from her heart did not match exactly. It had often felt like trying to translate a complex thought into Brigidese--accurate enough to get the point across, but lacking much of the nuance. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was no nuance here. At least none beyond the subtle, cutting difference in syntax. After all, "I want to die" and "I don't want to live anymore" were not the same thing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Since Heidelinde had been born, Dorothea had gotten better at expressing what she needed. She'd learned to verbalize the things so frustratingly out of her grasp before.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That would be the test, Dorothea realized. If she could go home and face her daughter and this feeling didn't crumble, then she'd act. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satomi sighed in her sleep, lazily kissing the back of Dorothea's shoulder. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>***</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dorothea's only visible souvenirs from the trip were smiles and some small game Satomi had taught her to hunt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She'd greeted Edelgard with a deep, hungry kiss. Dorothea could feel her melting in her hands, Edelgard's inner clockwork slowly uncoiling thanks to the relief of both wives returning safely. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dorothea peeked into her own heart while Edelgard whispered about taking a bath together. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>No change. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Auntie!" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Heidelinde all but tackled Dorothea. At nineteen she was still a few hands shorter, but every pound in her body was packed with muscle. It was astounding that Dorothea could keep upright. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hello, Heidi. Have you been good for your mother while we were gone?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Auntie, please. You should be asking if Mother behaved, not me." Heidelinde's wide grin made Dorothea ache in some private corner of her soul. "Now that you and Papa are back, though, she should calm down."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"To a degree, yes."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Heidelinde's smile softened. "I missed you so much."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I missed you too, Sweet Roll." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That was true, she had missed her daughter. Terribly so, in fact. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yet nothing else changed. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I don't want to live anymore.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>***</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dorothea was, first and foremost, an actress.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Even before Manuela had discovered her wheezing and shivering in an alley behind the theater, Dorothea had regularly shifted roles with ease. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>How would the devout church-going lady she met on the street know her pockets were lined with crisp bills some noble had pulled from his purse and laid out on the nightstand of the inn they'd just left? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She didn't, and Dorothea would pocket the coins she was handed every time. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>***</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In retrospect, she shouldn't have been surprised at how easy Edelgard was to fool. She should have known better by now, after all the lies she'd caught Dorothea in, yet the tactic never failed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Edelgard merely needed to hear what she wanted to hear. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm so glad you're feeling better," Edelgard said one evening, sketching Dorothea as she scribbled atonal notes onto blank sheets of music. "You were so despondent a few weeks ago. I worried you'd again started to consider…"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Edelgard would never name it, and that was what made her weak.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh, Edel-chan," Dorothea laughed, feeling the skin around her eyes crinkle, "how could I ever do that to you? I haven't had a thought like that since Heidi came along." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Reassured, Edelgard met her eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I worried about the camping trip, but it seems Satomi was right. You needed a break from everything. I really should trust her more often on these matters."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dorothea hummed. She opened her arms to invite Edelgard to join her on the sofa. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Edelgard clung tightly. It made sense, for someone who had never learned to swim. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I love you, El," Dorothea whispered, stirring the short, snow-white hairs running up the back of Edelgard's neck. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Relief flooded her at being able to mean it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I would be lost without you," Edelgard said, her breath warm on Dorothea's cheek. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>What would happen to Edelgard, after? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dorothea pictured her, stoic and regal, staring at her grave, not even a hint of tears. Edelgard would stay upright in public, even if she resembled a scarecrow dangling from its pole by a single thread. She'd stay composed throughout the funeral, and the public memorial service they'd hold in Dorothea's honor. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once out of her people's eyesight, she'd crumple, like a house of cards left out in the rain. She'd scream and cry and cling to Satomi, at least at first. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As time went on and the cold reality that Dorothea was gone settled in her stomach, Edelgard would transition to lying motionless in her private quarters, staring at the ceiling and blaming herself. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Would she follow? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There had been a time when Dorothea might have thought so. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But not now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It wasn't because of duty, or Heidelinde, or concern for leaving Satomi alone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was because Edelgard couldn't force herself to even name the deed, and that made her too weak to follow through. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>***</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Satomi was significantly more difficult to deceive. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She'd been blessed with terrifyingly accurate intuition, coupled with a blunt approach and utter lack of shame. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Dorothea," Satomi said, the whine in her throat audible even across the dinner table. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dorothea didn't look up from her meal. Edelgard and Heidelinde had sent word that their meeting with the newly established crafters' guild would go on for some time, and to have dinner without them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"My love, please tell me what's wrong." Satomi shifted in her chair. "What happened at the lake?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Against her better judgement, Dorothea met Satomi's gaze. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"How do you know about that?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She'd learned many years ago it was a waste of time to play dumb with Satomi. It was rarely worth it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Something about you…changed while we were out there. I know El doesn't see it, but I can feel it."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're right, darling," Dorothea said with a sigh. "Since we've returned, I've felt worse than I ever have."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satomi frowned and put down her fork. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Is it the Melancholy?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm not sure. It feels familiar, but distinct at the same time. I'm sure that doesn't make sense."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Satomi nodded, as if she understood. As if she could even imagine what it felt like to be hollowed out like some kind of decorative gourd. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I think I get it."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm not sad so much as…numb."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dorothea watched Satomi pick up the fork and run the tip of one of the tines beneath her fingernail. If Edelgard were there, she would scold her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As if her gloves weren't the only thing between her fingernails and her already shredded cuticles. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"How can I help? Can I help?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh Satomi, no."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Poor devoted, loving wife. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She would try so hard to keep the family together after Dorothea was gone. She'd fail, of course, but she'd try regardless. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suicide would never occur to Satomi. Even if Edelgard managed to summon the courage to take her own life, Satomi would never consider following suit. It simply wasn't an option. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dorothea wasn't sure what Satomi's ultimate fate would be. Perhaps that of her own father--a world-weary widow (partial widow, if she were lucky) toiling away for the sake of her still-living loved ones. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe Heidelinde's future partner would even indirectly cause her death. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dorothea realized that Satomi had gotten up and come around to her side of the table. She stood rigidly beside her, one hand lifted in an awkward, palm-down gesture. If she had to guess, Dorothea would wager Satomi had gone to touch her shoulder and thought better of it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Are you going to be okay?" she said, her watery eyes catching the flicker of the candles on the table. "Are we going to lose you?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Damn. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dorothea hated to lie to Satomi, but if she discovered her plans, it would be over. She'd have security detail for the rest of her miserable days, always out of sight but just close enough to break the illusion of solitude. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There were ways to circumvent it, but they all required too much energy, or more time than Dorothea was willing to invest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I think," she said, voice wavering not from tears but adrenaline, "I need some time alone. I need to process this, and no one else can do it for me."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She inhaled, waiting for Satomi to respond. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It took a moment or two for Satomi to nod again. She dropped her hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I want to be here for you." Tears began to spill down Satomi's cheeks. It was an odd feeling, watching Satomi cry but feeling no impulse to do the same. "But if that's not what you need, I understand."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>What a shame, Dorothea thought, that someone so noble and faithful had to fall for her. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>***</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Heidelinde never suspected. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>***</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Exactly as Dorothea had foreseen, the greatest obstacle turned out to be neither of her wives, nor her daughter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You've been acting strange lately," Hubert said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hugh, what did we discuss about eschewing greetings?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Do not attempt to dodge, Ms. Arnault. I'm in no mood to entertain banter right now."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"There are times when you do entertain it? May I have a schedule?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm serious, Dorothea."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oh. Her first name. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was serious. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Tell me what you're talking about then." Dorothea leaned back into the chair she'd claimed by the fire, twirling a lock of hair around her finger. It disguised the way her hands trembled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"As if you don't know. I saw you added Lady Heidelinde as an owner of the theater."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yes, and? She's nineteen. It's her birthright."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It seems premature to worry about something like that. Is it not in your will?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was not in fact in the will just yet. Dorothea had wanted to add it, but had anticipated exactly this reaction from Hubert. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's not, actually."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Then why not update the will?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Because I worry that by the time it's relevant, inheritance law will have changed. Heidi isn't mine by blood, so--" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You have nothing to fear on that front." Hubert straightened, assuming a slightly less threatening pose. "My lady would never allow anyone to deny your parentage."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Edel-chan's not going to live forever."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hubert looked stricken and furious, as if someone had just punched him after requesting a handshake. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Dorothea," Hubert said, his voice hushed. "I understand that you struggle when it comes to your…condition, but I must ask you to think of your family."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You say that as if I don't think of them."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Lady Edelgard wraps herself tighter than a Brigidese drum when you're feeling unwell. More than once she woke from nightmares about you not returning from your trip with Lady Satomi."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>If Dorothea still had the capability to feel, she'd be stabbed by guilt over knowing she'd caused Edelgard to wake sweaty and wild, especially with both her wives away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Instead, she felt a small wisp of pity and a weighty fatigue. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"And I came back. Honestly, Hugh, if you want to lock me up for safety every time she works herself up--"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm not asking this as the Emperor's right hand, Dorothea. I'm asking as your friend." Hubert's face was obscured by shadow now, masking his expression. "Please don't hurt her. Them. Us."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dorothea pulled on the strand of her hair she'd been toying with. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"If nothing else, please think of Lady Heidelinde. You're her favorite. It would destroy her."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I know," Dorothea whispered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A small prickle of sadness burrowed into her chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Don't think about Heidi. Don't. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hugh, I…"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You have a duty to this family."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It won't stop, you know. This. I thought I was cured after we had Heidi, but here it is again. Worse than ever."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hubert's shoulders shifted in the dark. They tightened, making him resemble a marionette whose strings had just been yanked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dorothea supposed that wasn't inaccurate.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"The longer I wait, the crueler it becomes. Can't you see that? Edel-chan and Satomi will have a harder time replacing me the older they get. Heidi will be getting married, having children of her own. No matter what, my death will ruin something. There will never be a good time."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hubert's voice trickled through the dark, softer than she'd ever heard it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Then perhaps you should abandon the thought."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not once had Dorothea seen Hubert yield. Not on the battlefield, not in his role as Edelgard's advisor, not at that seedy leatherworks he frequented down by the dock yards, the one only Dorothea knew about. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Even under direct orders to the contrary from Edelgard herself, Hubert found methods to get his way. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Is the thought of growing old with your loving family so abhorrent to you?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"It's more complicated than that. Hugh, if I could get better for them, I would. But I can't."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That had been the secret the lake had whispered to her that night in the woods. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>This is it. This is what you have to look forward to. For the rest of your life. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Her only recourse now was to shorten the amount of time it kept her in its grasp. No cart could continue if the road dropped out into an abyss. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Swear to me."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hugh…" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Swear to me, Dorothea. On our friendship, that you won't put us through the ordeal of losing you."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He reached out, palm up. Dorothea tried to remember the last time she'd seen Hubert's hands without a weapon in them. She could see the calluses his daggers' handles left. The skin between them looked impossibly soft. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dorothea pictured the future. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Edelgard and Satomi growing gray and muted. They still found her beautiful, despite her wrinkles and sagging body. Every day she'd wake up between or beside them, to kisses and words of love. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Heidelinde lighting up when Dorothea entered the room, just as she had as a baby. She'd whisper "Auntie, I've met someone," or "Auntie, I want to borrow one of your rings," or "Auntie, we've got a little one on the way; I wanted you to be the first to know."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dorothea placed her hand in Hubert's. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I swear."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>***</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Preparation had not been easy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Under Hubert's concerned surveillance, gathering poisons or stockpiling weapons was too risky. He merely needed a whiff of suicidal intent before he'd call down the empire on her, which severely limited her options. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ultimately, Dorothea was left with the stables, and a rope. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It wasn't ideal--hanging involved more of a time commitment than running herself through with a sword--but it would be quick enough to get the job done before Hubert could stop her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dorothea had told Satomi she needed time alone. She'd told Edelgard she was going to work on her next opera. Hubert was informed that Dorothea would be safely tucked in her room for the evening. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She had avoided Heidelinde entirely. It had been simple, given that she had plans to ride into town before dawn the next day. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The only sensations left in Dorothea's necrotic heart now were brief waves of pain when thinking about Heidelinde. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She wished Hubert was less vigilant so she could leave a letter behind. It felt like the least she could do to offer closure. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then again, what would she even write? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There were no words to explain the feeling that had assaulted her on the lakeshore. No words to explain why she was doing this. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Putting pen to paper for the final time, what was there to say beyond "</span>
  <em>
    <span>I don't want to live anymore</span>
  </em>
  <span>"? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was better this way. Her final words to Heidelinde had instead been "I'm so happy I've gotten to see you grow up. You make me so proud, Sweet Roll."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As little as she liked the idea, Hubert would find her during his patrol at sunrise. She felt badly, but it was preferable to Satomi or Edelgard discovering her body. He had a higher tolerance for emotional pain. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Or so she hoped. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The rope chafed her neck as she climbed on top of the stool Ingrid used for brushing the pegasi. They'd all been moved for now, for military drills up north, leaving Dorothea's only company a few personal steeds of various knights. Edelgard's jet black gelding and Satomi's hefty draft horse were in a smaller, more ornate stable further away from the front gates. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Sorry you have to see this," Dorothea told the gray mare in the stall next to her. "Hopefully Satomi or Ingrid feeds you extra oats tomorrow as compensation."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dorothea rolled her head back, stretching her neck and shoulders. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't deserve it, but I hope you all forgive me." </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Now, before you lose your nerve.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Dorothea kicked away the stool. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The numb calm she'd felt gave way to panic as she noticed the horse beside her a second time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It wasn't any old gray mare--her hide was dappled with white spots. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That had been why Heidelinde had decided to name her Polka Dot. </span>
</p>
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